One or Eleven?
Do you recall someone you found "too perfect for someone"? So many people out there who we call perfect do not easily settle with someone easily. Why? Are they too demanding? No! They just don't have the concept of "needing a better half to complete them". Confused? Yeah. It took me a while to register this as well. Let me illustrate it for you. Imagine yourself as a glass half empty, or half-filled to be optimistic. Now you find someone else's glass to fill yours. Result? You become one. But, in the process of becoming one from a half, you mix with each other. Trying to fit into what their definition of a perfect half is or may be trying to make them fit into yours. But how would you? There's no space for fitting anything at all. You just got mixed with someone else. Since you have mixed with the other person, trying to merge and to change yourself for the other person, when they leave, they take away one half of that glass. And guess what? They take away some part of you that tried to merge with theirs. That's why you feel devastated, hollow and find it hard to love again. You change so much that you do not even remember how your initial half was like anymore. You stop identifying with what you become in that process of mix-matching. You become someone else altogether. Trust me, that is a difficult situation to be in. So, what can you do? It's actually easier. Ever had an experience when you knew in the first go what's going to happen but you processed the situation so much in your head that you ended up taking the wrong way? After that, you must have thought about how sure you were about your very first opinion. Call it your gut feeling, subconscious mind or inner voice, it actually tells you where you're going. Listen to your intuitions, listen to the first thought that pops in your head when you meet someone. Trust your instincts.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't change at all. If it is good for you, helps you grow and take a better grip at life, you should change a bit but not on the expense of your freedom, your passion, your dreams, and your identity. When the change causes destruction, you should stop. Love isn't destructive. It's oppression, insecurity, possessiveness, hatred, resentment, and restriction that are destructive.
What's the solution? Try and start loving yourself. Isn't it better to fill your own glass with love instead of waiting for someone else to pour love into your half-filled glass? Complete yourself on your own. Love yourself before you love someone else. Love yourself so much so that your glass is full, and it overwhelms and love starts flowing out of it. And you'll attract someone who is complete as well. You become eleven with the other person, and not one. You'll be able to differentiate between who is in need of love, and who is a source of love. For those who are in need, you can always encourage them to complete their other half themselves.
The eleven couple doesn't mix. They maintain their identities. They don't complete the other one but complement each other. They don't give away their hearts but connect them at a deeper level. Their lives are full already. They appreciate and accept the other person just the way they are, and together they spread light.
When two people are complete in their own perfect ways, they have a force of attraction that makes them stay together, and yet have a healthy repulsion which maintains some space between the two and allows them to breathe, to revolve around each other without losing their respective identities. The overflowing glasses make them feel each other's love. Such people mostly don't experience butterflies in their stomach. Rather, they feel more peaceful, calm and better when they are surrounded with love. So, even if they are separated, they are not devastated, they do not feel hollow, they do not shatter. They take away the good memories and the lessons learned without having any space for hatred or resentment. Because their respective glasses are still so full of love.
Love doesn't hurt. How could it possibly do? It's like a subtle river which nourishes everything on its way, within itself and extends various miles to spread happiness. Love is a healing power we all have within us. It's that bamboo tree which takes a very long time to grow its roots stronger and finally shoots up several feet high.
Difficult people come into our lives as teachers, and a teacher stays till you learn your lesson. They are not supposed to stay forever. They will eventually leave. What's important is to know what they wanted to teach you. The lessons may include learning how to become independent emotionally, to stand up for yourself, love yourself, not compromise with your self-respect and dreams and believe in yourself. Just accept that you sometimes have to learn it from a brutal teacher. It's okay. You'll learn to be on your guard. You'll learn what not to be.
If you've gone through a bad phase, I'm sorry. But I also want to tell you that it's okay. It happens. When you've been through the darkness, you know the value of light even better. We all are in the process of learning. Don't hate yourself or anyone else for anything at all. Sometimes, to help people, we are chosen to learn it the hard way. It's not always necessary to be strong. It's okay to feel weak sometimes. It's okay to stop for a while, sit down and cry your heart out. We know what it's like to hit the rock bottom. Be gentle with yourself. It will get better. It will take some time, but it will get better. Time and love will heal you. Take as much time as you wish to summon that strength, stand up once again, and start walking again. Love yourself unconditionally and someone just like your people close to you will meet you once you have healed yourself completely, once you have completed yourself. You can choose to be on your own too, that's totally fine, but it shouldn't be out of resentment. You are strong, you are perfect, and you are loved. Just remember that. Spread your love and spread your light. You are watched over, you are being protected and you are being guided. Nothing can harm you, nothing is more powerful than the love you have for yourself. Be like a bamboo tree, grow your roots stronger and fly high.
-Dr. Anushikha Dhankhar
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